Boundary Quotes by Henry Cloud

Boundaries help us know who we are, as well as who we are not. When we locate where we end, we find that we have freedom to choose to reach across the healthy boundary line and choose to meet others in vulnerable places of need (their needs and our needs).

In contrast to the bodiless chalk outlines of a crime scene murder victim, boundaries bring life. So, I’m sharing some quotes from Henry Cloud’s book about boundaries, entitled Changes That Heal. Brain food. Emotional food. Spiritual food.

“God is a bonded person. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are always connected; they have an eternal “oneness.” However, just as unity is the most basic quality God possesses, he has diversity within this unity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are distinct, separate persons. They are not “fused” in a way that they lose their individual identity. They have boundaries between them. They each have their own talents, responsibilities, wills, and personalities. They can be in different places at the same time, and they can be doing different things without losing relationship…. We are to master the art of “being me without losing you.” pp. 94-95

“If we take responsibility for our feelings, we can use them to solve problems.”  p.128

“When we look further at crossed boundaries, we see that we often do not own our own attitudes; instead, we take responsibility for the attitudes of others. People often complain how this person or that person is “putting expectations” on them, as if an expectation were something you could Velcro to someone’s brain…. Whenever we feel “victimized” by another’s expectations, we need to find the attitude that’s allowing us to feel pressured by that expectation.”   p.129

“Our sense of being able to own our own behavior is critical for having a sense of power and a sense of control over our lives.”   p.132

“As with feelings and attitudes, we must own our own thoughts. Our thoughts have much bearing on our emotional growth…. Our thinking affects how we respond to people and situations…. We must own all thinking that prevents interpersonal relating. Condemning thoughts about others always hurt us. We must own our critical thinking and confess it, allowing God to change the way we think. At the same time, we can’t be responsible for the thoughts of others. If someone is thinking good or bad about us, we must accept it. We can try to affect it, but we can’t control it. We must give people the freedom to think what they will. Ask Jesus. People had some pretty crazy notions about him, which he allowed.”   p.134-135

Filters & Grace

I’ve been trying to sit still lately — the undergirding, deep in the pit of my spirit, past the fear, past the pride, past the egocentrism, willing to be made uncomfortable in the fields of grace kind of sitting still. I don’t always know when I’ve gotten to that place, because sitting still from God’s perspective apparently can be a very active thing. It isn’t about my outside sitting so much as my inside sitting.

When I take God off of the leash it is so easy to accidentally put on him, trust that he’s a pretty good planner, and look to see where he’s been watering the clay & molding my life… it is amazing how much activity can happen without draining my personal reserves.

There’s a linguistic theory that I love called The Conduit Theory. Basic idea: sometimes the way we communicate assumes that we can put intended meaning into a container of some sort that will arrive & be processed exactly how we (the sender) see it. Whoa, doggie, does that assume an awful lot and set the stage for miscommunication!

We discount the “receiver’s” point of view and risk thinking we have sent the high def version instead of the good old static-lovin’ rabbit ears version. I think I’ve gotten better with flesh & blood people in that area, and I look forward to learning more about people and their worlds. There’s such freedom in giving people the opportunity to tell Paul Harvey’s “rest of the story.”

As I begin to see how the static can happen, it becomes easier to love other people where they are and want to hear and understand their stories. They are free not to be just like me. (Can I get a whooping amen here?!) Not only are they free to be uniquely who they are, I am free to learn to appreciate and celebrate them — while remaining who I am designed to be. I get such a freedom kick from that! God is just too cool for words (literally).

And that leads to my new area for growth — remembering that with all of God’s experiences & filters (seriously, he’s seen it all), he has a lot more grace, understanding, and ways to encourage than I give him credit for having. I’m going to be more intentional in looking for those every day.

I’m also going to look for opportunities every day to step outside of my grace limits and acknowlege that God’s filters should make me see things differently than my own (frequently jaded ones) do.

God Schedules

March 24, 2008

Seems like lately God delights in rearranging schedules of His children so that they may come together in just the right combinations. And sometimes, those holy segues sound like absurd comedies scripted for a movie short. I love that God sidles up to people just a little closer and shocks them with an excited howdy-do. His message bursts into our daily lives… “I don’t just sit in my clouded office and rule the world; I am not a relic of a boss; I *know* you — where you are, where you hurt, where you love deeply, where you ache for my grace waters to free you, where you hide in your littleness and cry for Me — and I love you as my treasure and my beloved. Depend on Me.”